With Valentine’s day just around the corner I have been thinking about the many conversations I have had in the last 12 months with men and women who have shared time in my studio and what they want in their lives. The conversation often starts about material things, are there too many pairs of shoes a woman can own? Would I feel better if I owned the latest BMW series…fill in the blank. The conversation then turns, most often with the aid of some self deprecating or cynical comment to the question of relationships and wishing they were in one. Is there a type of person who asks this? Are they the terminally boring – energy vampires that just drain your energy by looking at you, or so desperate for a relationship that you can spot their type at 20 paces in a social setting? No they are wonderful, warm, funny, loving human beings who have had their heart broken and don’t know how to trust again, or those resilient souls that have mended their broken heart now who don’t have a clue how to go about dating again.
So what brings me to feel that I can even write about this subject. Well frankly I have done the research – I have been there too, broken hearted, divorced, and frankly both the energy vampire and the desperate woman at some point – its not attractive being one or seeing one let me tell you! I also am not in the place where I have now joined the ‘smug marrieds’ who feels she can ‘fix’ it for everyone I know to be a ‘smug married’ too. Many of the people I meet don’t even want marriage – they want to be in ‘relationships’ or at the very least having some social time with new partners but many times the ‘M’ word is not even on their agenda. After many years of singledom they are starting to question will it ever happen? Guess what? If you don’t believe it can happen it won’t – if you do believe it will you are in with a great chance.
What I hear most is the question ‘will I be able to trust again’ followed mostly by someone’s own answers to that question, often delivered with pain, anguish, and that sense that their energy is on its way down to the depths of the despair that they suffered. So what ‘script’ are they running that says that what happened before is going to happen again because whatever that ‘script’ is it certainly stops them even getting out of the starting gates.
So what are the some of the internal ‘scripts’ about love I hear. ‘He or she was the love of my life’ seems to be one that shows up frequently. This script is certainly not going to allow for another one to show up, or at least if he or she does then they are likely to be measured against the often high pedestal status that broken relationships get put onto. What if you can have another amazing love in your life?
‘I won’t find love at my age’ or ‘men only want younger women’ another two frequent flyers. The script of ageism that we run not just about love but about a new job, or why our fitness programme or life is not going well. Age has got a lot to answer for if we choose to believe it!
Finally ‘love is overrated’ – is it? Who says so – well my internal script used that argument for many years to keep me from even considering love, its way of ‘keeping me safe’ from harm or as I now know from even considering love at all. I had to bust that script to get myself back on track – to that place I know can exist where love is possible for anyone!
So before you reach for your drug of your choice consider what your ‘script’ is telling you about love? Might it be wrong? Is there something else you know deep down in your soul that is reaching for a glimpse of recognition. Every human being deserves love – that is the truth. So which would you choose to believe?
